Wednesday, January 21, 2004

This feels a little artificial. And if not artificial, then superficial. These feelings in regard to this entry. I don't know. I'm really tired at the moment.

I'm in this required overseas journalism course now, and as a part of this journalism course that you can take for cr/nc (or simply 0 units if you prefer), you must keep a journal of 'reflection.' That is, not only write about the things you do, but reflect on your feelings/reactions to these things. The nice part about this journal is that you can keep it in any format you want: e-mails to a friend, a hardcopy journal.. or.. in my case (not a suggested option, but it works equally well) a blog.

And in all honesty, this is good for me despite my apprehension about it. The instructor apparently will not read too much into the journal entries that we decide to "easily cut and paste/copy" into a concise book for him at the end of the semester, but it still feels like I'm forced to write in a new conscience despite this class not being worth anything literally toward my degree, and despite the instructor not caring about our grammar/content in these journals.

It was difficult-enough for me to overcome an awareness that an entire internet community had access to my thoughts/events-of-the-day via this blog/journal, and it becomes even more difficult when there's an awareness of people you personally know are reading the blog (Der - to name one), and even further more straining when now I subconsciously will be reminding myself that with these particular entries that I ought to keep-in-mind these onlookers.

So the whole thing seems rather futile to me, but, meh whatever, I'll still attempt to work around this and do my best. They'll still be my thoughts to some degree. Only they'll be more self-conscious thoughts - thoughts with practical omition and editing to an extent - and that makes me vulnerable since it could be argued that I do take a thorough consideration of everything I write in here as a result of these onlookers, but in reality, I'm just a normal person, and normal people are inconsistent. My thoughts in here are inconsistent. That's not to say my core values are always changing, but the way in which I look at these values and act as a response do have the tendency to change. I don't think inconsistency is a bad thing either. Someone ought to be inconsistent if they are truly a person who is seeking growth. God bless them if they're perfect and don't have the need to change (and that's not possible. When people tell you, "You're perfect just the way you are." It's a lie. But consider it a good thing that they say this, as you know they are truly only trying to look out for your best-interest, or what they feel would be most appropriate to tell you according to how you may respond at the time. If they were to respond to you in silence when you were doubting yourself, would anyone rather this response? Of course not. Best is the friend who is willing to guide you in the most peaceful way they know how to.), but I ask that God bless me as well, as I know I'm not even close to being perfect and always have room for growth in every aspect of my life.

I'll keep this entry short at the moment.

Ciao!  Rach